Giving Up All Hope For a Better Past
Gerald G. Jampolsky wrote, “Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions. A paraphrased version of this quote is by Corrine Edwards, “forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past”.
As I write this, tears fall. These tears are a mixture of things. I grieve the loss of a beautiful human, my father-in-law. He was a good, honest man with a gentle soul. He filled many voids for me as a parent and grandparent. He represented all the stability I had longed for with my own Dad. When he became a Dad, he gave up his drinking days. He was so proud of all 3 of his kids and all of his grandchildren. He showed up regularly to all of their events until it was physically impossible for him to do so. There’s so much more I could say about him, but it is what I learned from reflecting on what he meant to me that hit me right between the eyes. I was able to see how I have been in search of a better past for most of my life.
What do I mean by this?? I was continually living in the past. I was focused on what had been done to me and how it hurt me. I wanted my childhood to be free from fear and sleep disruption due to drunken outbursts. I wanted to be protected by my Dad. I longed for him to make his family his priority. I didn’t use my voice or speak up because doing this kept me safe. As a teen, I left my life up to chance. I abused myself because I didn’t believe in my own worth. I drank. A lot. When I became pregnant, I traded the alcohol for food and mind numbing tv. I was full of shame and guilt for past mistakes. Full of regret as a parent for trying to control all the things that I couldn’t control as a child. Full of blame towards my husband because he wasn’t “making me happy”. Projecting blame onto him because of things I saw growing up. More baggage that he didn’t create. Always seeking approval from others. Doing whatever it took to please others, conform, and fit in even at the cost of my own health and well being. I longed for a “redo” of all these mistakes and mistreatments. I longed to belong. I read, studied, and learned all I could about adverse childhood experiences and how these negative events affected the brain. I learned methods to “undo” some of the limiting beliefs and untruths I learned along the way. Yet, I still longed for a better past. I blamed everyone and everything else for my life situations. Here is the awakening for me. My past cannot be changed. I am who I am because of all the things I have experienced along the way. All the mistakes I made, all my failures, and all my wins get to come along with me for the remaining “ride” of life. Forgiveness is what I really needed. Forgiveness of myself and forgiveness for all the wrongs which could not be made right. Separating the beings from the behaviors and recognizing we do the best we can with the information we have.
My Dad loved me the best way he knew how. I loved me the best way I knew how. Each day I am learning more. I do have choices and I am responsible for those choices. Letting go of the longing for a better past has been freeing! Loving people where they’re at, and loving myself for who I authentically am, is where I aim my focus these days. Here’s to an incredible life living in the now!
